Arizona is abuzz. Abuzz, I tells ya! Not only are the team within spitting
distance of achieving their first .500+ record since the days that most of its
O-line were made up by Brontosauruses, but we’re even in the hunt for the NFC’s
second wildcard playoff spot!
Alright, so admittedly that’s mostly down to the sheer mediocrity of the
conference this year, but it’s still worth a fair bit of abuzz, let me tell you.
The race for the wildcard, then, looks a wee bit like this with five games to
play:
Vicks 8-3*
Under-Yer-Buckin’-Hats 8-3
Seahawks 7-4*
Cowboys 6-5*
Packers 6-5*
Eagles 6-5
CARDINALS 6-5
Sheep 6-5
Loins 5-6
Indigenous-Persons 5-6
*=division leader, duh.
I think it’s expecting a wee bit much for the Buckin’-Hats to self-destruct to
the tune of us making up a two game deficit on them, but with us holding the
division-record tie-breaker over the Baa-Lambs it’s not inconceivable that we
could overhaul the seriously-inconsistent Eagles or ‘Boys and sneak into the
playoffs as the NFC’s 6th seed.
It’s also not inconceivable that we might lose every game from here on out, of
course, given that after today we seem to be past the softest part of our
schedule. But hey.
-
Alright, so we’re going to be missing our starting quarterback for the next few
weeks, but spirits are still high - it’s Day One of the Josh McCown Era™ in
Arizona, and the boy couldn’t really ask for a better team to strut his stuff
against.
“Let’s face it, if a quarterback can’t get the job done against the Chicago
Bears, he can’t get it done against anyone.”
Yes indeed.
“Not exactly one of the NFL’s surprise packages this year – most people
predicted them to be awful, and 3-8 they have duly gone. Kordell Stewart is
currently leading the offence. Actually, make that “leading” the “offence”, with
Anthony Thomas and Adrian Petersen sharing time at running-back, both of whom
are Marcel Shipp clones.”
They’ll run over five tacklers then realise they forgot to bring the ball?
“Precisely. The receiving corps is okay – Marty Booker is All-Pro calibre,
but the rest are nothing special. Watch out for tight end Desmond Clark, he’s
got great hands even if his blocking isn’t up to much. The o-line and d-line are
both anchored well in the middle – Olin Kreutz and Keith Traylor respectively –
but can be attacked on the perimeters. Brian Urlacher and Warrick Holdman are
two thirds of a great linebacking group, but while LOLB Lance Briggs might be
the missing link in a few years, at the moment he’s just too friggin’ slow to
cut the mustard. Then there’s the secondary, which is more a tertiary - R.W.
McQuarters and a load of blokes whose names aren’t worth committing to memory.”
So they can’t defend the run, but to make up for that they can’t stop the pass
either?
“Pretty much the size of it. Even your lot ought to see this mob off,
although I wouldn’t put it past you to find some way of screwing it up.”
Pish, p’shaw and nonsense. And things of that nature.
-
Thirty-two degrees at the new Soldier Field, which isn’t ideal for the noble
Cardinal lads who’re more used to the balmy heat of Sun Devil Stadium. Brrr. We
lose the toss and Chicago elect to put the ball in Josh McCown’s hands to start
the game and see what he’s got to offer.
Bloody Urlacher. Two runs net five yards, then McCown drops back, makes his
reads and sends the ball half a mile over Johnno’s head to set up the first punt
of what’s probably going to be a busy afternoon for Scott Player. We corral the
return-man at the 30, and out come our defence to show what they’re made of.
Answers on a postcard to the usual address.
Kordell Stewart (pre-game Madden quote: “There’s not too many like this guy!”
No, John. No, there aren’t.) shows that he at least has some idea who he can
rely on by hitting his single decent receiver, Marty Booker, on a short hook
that gains 8. Anthony Thomas is stuffed on second down, though, and on 3rd and 1
the right side of the Bear offensive line melts away like midday mist over Lake
Michigan and LE Frank Wakefield, who’s quietly leading the team in sacks,
envelops Thomas right at the line of scrimmage. The zebras initially give
Chicago the first down, but after review the spot is rightly overturned, and to
a smattering of boos the Bears line up to punt it away. We stay alert for the
possible fake, but we needn’t have worried and Terry Fair makes a decent return
so that we’re starting our next drive at our own 40.
QB in his first NFL start, last thing they’ll be expecting is a pass on first
down, eh? Oh... that’s why they won’t be expecting it. McCown overthrows an
insanely wide-open Emmitt Smith down the left sideline, Shipp goes nowhere on
second down then it’s Anquan Boldin’s turn to watch a pass aimed in his vague
direction clang to the ground.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... your quarterback of the future.
The punt slices out of bounds at the 30, but luckily the Bears seem just as
contemptuous as we are of this whole outmoded concept that your offence should
actually attempt to gain yardage. Anthony Thomas gets four of the little buggers
on first down, but then immediately gives them back on second and Kordell
Stewart caps off a series that’s not so much a drive, more a performance-art
vignette encapsulating the futility of existence by hitting linebacker Raynoch
Thompson right in the hands. Raynoch, however, enters into the spirit of the
afternoon by dropping the ball like it’s a live rattlesnake and hey kids, it’s
Punt Time again! Fair gets this one back to the 42, which means we’ve gained two
whole yards on the exchange! By my calculations, all we need is another 58 punts
and we’ll win the game with a safety.
‘Cos we’re certainly not going to win it any other way. McCown has to throw the
ball away under pressure, then two runs gain us 9 yards and, given that this
looks like it’s going to be a battle of field-position, we can’t risk going for
it on 4th. Scott Player puts up an angled punt that slides out of bounds at the
16, and here we go again.
Out come Chigago in our bloody copyrighted 2RB-3RW shotgun formation, but we’ve
seen it often enough in practice to know that coming out in a base defence to
face that set is just asking to give up a big play. So the nickelback comes in,
then promptly gets run over as Stewart hands off to the bloody fullback, Stanley
Pritchett, who runs over various skinny gentlemen on his way to a 29-yard gain.
Bugger. Stewart converts a 3rd and 7 to Marty Booker into Cardinal territory,
then a 3rd and 8 to Desmond Clark down to our 24 and the crowd are slowly
starting to wake from the coma that the first quarter caused them to lapse into.
We decide to mix things up on defence by throwing in a blitz, but it doesn’t
come close to getting to Kordell and he’s able to take his time, look for the
open man and hit Desmond Clark in the endzone to open the scoring. Battle of
field-position, my arse. ARI 0-7 CHI
Josh McCown, who you loved as the Quarterback Who Could Aim At The Ground And
Miss now shows that he’s not just a one-dimensional entertainer, as he reveals
his latest hilarious character, Quarterback Who Hangs On To The Ball For About
An Hour Waiting For Someone To Get So Far Open That Even He Can’t Miss Them But
Instead Inevitably Takes A Sack. So popular is this persona when he unveils it
on first down, he gives an encore performance on second, and there’s nothing
left to do but have Emmitt plough ahead for 3 yards to gain some space for the
punt. Scotty Player hammers a line-drive that rookie returner Bobby Wade
completely misjudges. The ball takes a lucky bounce and bounds end-over-end down
the field, eventually being downed at the Bear 7 yard line – an 87 yard punt!
Which’ll do.
The run defence, with the exception of the long Pritchett run, has been pretty
stout so far this afternoon, and it stands up again by stopping Thomas twice for
a net loss of a yard. The pass defence, on the other hand, has been clinging on
by its fingertips and, infuriatingly, with the Bears backed up and the potential
of decent field position to come, they allow David Terrell to take a quick slant
right through my secondary for 26 yards and, obviously, a first down. Grrr. It
looks good a couple of plays later, though, as we finally, finally get some
pressure on Stewart and flush the little sod out of the pocket. But when it’s
not your day... he throws on the run, Tay Cody goes up to attempt the pick,
misses, Marty Booker brings in the catch and that’s the last we see of him – 65
yards, ARI 0-14 CHI. One of these days, we really have to try this
new-fangled fad of quarterbacks who actually complete passes, it looks quite
fun.
And as if by magic... McCown gets his first of the day, a slant to Bryant
Johnson for 17 and our first first down! Then it’s back to business as usual,
Marcel getting three straight carries for 18 yards, and McCown goes
completion-crazy – to Boldin for 6 on a crossing pattern, then 9 more. Lordy.
First down at the Chicago 26, 3:51 to play in the first half. Back to Shipp,
then back to Boldin and it’s first and goal at the 10. Emmitt Smith, in to spell
Marcel, takes a counter right down to the goal-line then, on second and
point-blank, Johnno fights through press-coverage, the pass protection is good
and Josh McCown completes a decent drive with a 1-yard TD pass to get us back
into this. ARI 7-14 CHI
Stewart hits Dez White deep on the ensuing drive, but cornerback David “No-Mark”
Barrett works hard to get back into the play and punches the ball out in the
tackle. As it bounces free in among 4 Cardinal defenders, who d’you think comes
up with the fumble recovery? Marty Booker, obviously, first down Bears at our
42. Our defence then goes all to pieces, allowing three quick passes then
Anthony Thomas to bull through tacklers for a 22-yard touchdown run that seems
to underline the idea that this just isn’t going to be our day. ARI 7-21 CHI
50 seconds in the half, and I can’t help myself. Despite the fact that McCown
has had a mostly-lamentable day under centre, I still can’t resist trying to get
a quick drive into field-goal position going. Three downs, three incompletions
and Player is punting yet again. Then, to add insult to injury, the Bears show
how it’s done with two quick completions and a 49-yarder that just creeps over
the bar, and not for the first time this season we’re looking up out of a very
deep hole. Half-time, ARI 7-24 CHI
-
Chicago get the ball to start the second half and if we’ve got any
pretentions toward dragging this game out of the fire it’s absolutely no-fooling
vital that we stop them from scoring.
Those of you who’ve been reading about my teams for a while will know exactly
what’s coming next.
First play of the 3rd quarter, Anthony Thomas weaves through tackles, slaps away
the reigning Superbowl MVP, Dexter Jackson, and heads off downfield while my
defence is trying to work out what just happened. 80 yards, pretty much game
over. ARI 7-31 CHI
I’d write up the rest of the game, but it just gets too depressing from there on
in. The day is summed up when the Bears face 1st and 10 at their own 1-yard line
following a perfect coffin-corner punt by Scotty Player. Linebacker Levar Fisher
has Kordell Stewart dead-bang four yards deep in the endzone, but somehow
contrives to bounce right off the quarterback and allow him to get away to the
3-yard line. Seven plays later, Des White hauls in a 20-yard pass in the endzone
and what was a fighting withdrawl has turned into a rout. ARI 7-38 CHI
Josh McCown caps off a day in which he’s achieved the near-impossible and made
me pine for Jeff Blake by throwing an interception to Brian bloody Urlacher
which sets up the close-range Anthony Thomas plunge that thankfully closes the
scoring. McCown has managed just 12 completions on 31 attempts and only 110
yards passing, securing a mightily impressive 56.2 quarterback rating.
It’s all gone Cardinals. Final score - CHI 45-7 ARI
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
